The Taken Factor

It is understandable for people not to flirt when they are in a relationship. This is because it may feel like you are cheating on your partner by doing so. It is also understandable that many people who are not in a relationship will flirt. Perhaps this is because they are trying to impress the other person and make them interested in them, or want to show that they themselves are interested. Of course, these are not hard and fast rules.

What I have found is that the same person will act noticably different and will flirt with you one time, then be defensive and not participate the next. I have witnessed this myself and after some observation, came up with the concept I call The Taken Factor. With it those who are, or are not taken act differently with those who are or are not taken themselves.

One who is in a relationship is flirted with:

With flirting, many women will flirt with married men because they know they are "taken". They know that the man thinks of them as forbidden fruit and will not cheat on their spouse, so they can get away with it.

One who is not in a relationship is avoided:

Women will not flirt with men who are not married because they don't want the men to reciprocate and make them feel uncomfortable.

One who is in a relationship will flirt:

Likewise, many who are not in a relationship and do not flirt may flirt when they are in a relationship. This is because they know they are "taken" and are comfortable in knowing that they can go to their partner if the flirting does not produce. This is not to say that all flirting is trying to take advantage of someone, but normally this is why people tend to back away.

One who is no longer in a relationship will not flirt:

Many times if you were known to be in a relationship you want to put up your guard so that single people will not hit on you. Perhaps they think that everybody knows that they have broken up and are afraid that people will flirt with them because they just broke up.

I have found that some of my observations do not have proof— you don't actually ask people if they are or are not in a relationship, so I'll ask you… have you yourself experienced these situations, or even adhered to them yourself? Do tell.

Spin Cycle: Standards and Morals

Throughout the time when I was single I kept hearing phrases such as: "You can't go out with her, she's got too high of standards", or "They must have pretty low morals to go out with them" All of these phrases created a way of categorizing and labeling people. Even though I never liked labeling, I can see how they were used.

Standards are how we set the bar as to who we will know and/or go out with. Depending upon who you want to know will determine what your standards are. Morals are how willing we are to do something. The lower the morals, the more likely you will do it.

These phrases were then grouped together as a way of justifying stereotypes:

High Morals & High Standards

This is the kind of person who are saving themselves for Cinderella or Prince Charming.

High Morals & Low Standards

This is the kind of person who is willing to know anybody, but is also straight laced.

Low Morals & High Standards

This is the kind of person who could do anything, but only with someone special.

Low Morals & Low Standards

This is the kind of person who would do anything with anybody.

As I have grown older, I have realized that things are not as cut and dry, or as black and white as that and that people have different morals and standards based upon the situation that they are in. You may be willing to hug everybody, but does that make you someone with Low Morals & Low Standards.

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Vs.

If you thought that this was a post about the Versus Channel, then you are mistaken…

Lately I have found that I have written a lot of comparison posts. What I have decided to do is to group them together in this post so you can look at them yourself:

Inspiration and Motivation

This is my explanation of the difference between inspiration and motivation written at the time of President Obama's inauguration.

Smart vs. Intelligent

I seem to get a lot of hits on this one. This is how I define the difference between being smart and being intelligent.

Pretty vs. Beautiful

This is how I define the difference between being pretty and being beautiful.

Compassionate Comforting vs. Arm-chair Advice

In this post I talk about the frustrations of being a comforter on line.

Movers and Shakers

This is my definition of what it means to be a Mover as well as a Shaker.

Leaders vs. Followers

Followers tend to get a bad rap. I highlight what my interpretations of being a good follower are.

Trailblazer vs. Bridge Builder

This is my interpretation of what it means to be a Trailblazer and/or a Bridge Builder.

Also… if any of these posts inspire you to come up with a comparison you want me to cover— please let me know.

Spin Cycle: Rules and Rulers

Whenever I play a game with a child, I find that sometime during the game, the rules somehow change. And not only that… but they seem to change in favor of the person who changed the rule. Then, when you call them out on the rule they changed before, it somehow changes again.

Rulers are typically used to measure things. We like to see how big or small something is. We like to know how large the field we are playing on is. I am reminded of the scene in the movie Hoosiers where the basket ball coach asks the boys to measure the height of the baskets and the size of the court to prove a point.

I wrote a poem in college that I'll use to illustrate changing the rules:

If you change your boundaries
you must also change the rules to the game

cj85'

When someone is a Ruler they are considered someone who rules over others. They are the ones who watch over us and make sure that we do not step out of bounds. We ourselves are our own rulers because we set limits on what we can and cannot do. As I have gotten older I have come to realize that many of the things I used to be able to do I no longer can do (or if I did, I would regret it later). Because my boundaries have changed, I need to change the rules so I can continue to play the game.

How do you "measure up" to the rules that you restrict yourself with?

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Trailblazer vs. Bridge Builder

When I was part of the search committee at my church we were given the opportunity to ask questions to the incoming minister. I asked the question: "Do you consider yourself a Trailblazer or a Bridge Builder?" At the time I needed to clarify in the context of being a leader— but I realized that there is a broader meaning to each of these terms:

Trailblazer…

I think of a Trailblazer as one who forges their own future. They are usually the first to do anything. Some may get the impression that they are the kind of person who does things without thinking, but I tend to differ. I think that they have a quality that makes them more independent because they are willing to do it on their own without any help from others.

Bridge Builder…

So often there are gaps in communication, or even bridges to cross. Bridge Builders are the ones who fill in those gaps by putting everybody "on the same page". They are the ones who help others achieve their goals. This is the kind of person who believes in relationships and is able to get along with others and help others get along with everybody else in the group.

That is what I feel these terms mean to me. Feel free to give me your own impressions of their meanings— or even let me know… are you a trailblazer or a bridge builder?