Monday, April 27, 2009

Do you have that new myPhone yet…

Until the brown paper parcel landed on my welcome mat
Even the pretty secretaries who wouldn't even
All recognize my handwriting
And return to sender as a matter of fact

Lately I've been receiving mail indicating that I have won a new cell phone which got me to thinking… What if they actually sent you the phone instead? I currently do not have a cell phone— nor am I going to fill out those forms to get the one I just won. Of course you have to realize that many new phones have GPS built in for E-911 tracking purposes— which makes you wonder what else is being tracked. I'm curious what would happen in a world where they forgo the application form and just send you the phone instead…

Come jump in my adjective dementia dimension machine and I'll take you to that world.

When I got home from work my wife lets me know that there is a package on the front stoop with my name on it and jokingly asked if would I please take it inside before the neighbors call the bomb squad again. As I open the box it appears to glow from under the packing peanuts. I start reading the promo letter that came with the package:

Congratulations, you have just won a new mePhone.
There is no need to activate this phone because it has already been activated for you. Service is free to all mePhone subscribers. All we ask is that you use our service and enjoy your new mePhone.

I try to empty the box of the packing material and accidentally spill the phone on the floor. My wife picks it up and says I broke it and hands it over to me. Instantly the green glow reappears the moment it touches my hand and the glow starts to pulse as well. I quip back… "it's not broken— it's just sleeping".

I snickered a bit when I saw "11G" on the case (3G is so passe— I guess it goes to 11 now). I made a call to test out the reception and got the following automated message: "******** is currently on the phone with ******… if you want to leave a message, press 1… If you want to page this person, press 2… If you want to leave a text on their phone, press 3… If you want to locate this person, press 4". Intrigued, I pressed 4 and was instantly displayed with a map. Not only that, but the balloon indicator was moving rapidly across the map as if the person was in a car traveling along. Unwilling to continue, I hung up.

A few minutes later, I got a call from the person who I tried calling earlier…
Friend: Hey, I didn't know that you got a new phone
Me: Uh, I didn't even leave a message—
Friend: That's OK, pretty cool how it said it was you and that you were looking for me— how sweet.
Me: Yea, just trying to figure out the phone.

I hung up and was instantly asked to give an audio prompt to identify this caller for future reference. I spoke their name and pressed save and turned off the phone. I then wondered how it knew how to find this person and instantly the phone came back to life and proceeded to ask If I wanted to find ********… and repeated the name I just spoke using my voice. It was at this point that I knew something strange was happening.

If I were you I'd change my name again
They don't care what they do to you believe me

I put the phone down and decided to take the dog for a walk. Funny how I kept seeing a plain colored Civic with a strange tripod on top silently turning the corner every time I walk down another street with the dog. And why is it that all through my walk I kept thinking the phrase: "If you would like to make a call— please pick up and try again"… I think I'll return the phone now.

I'll write this story down, but you'll never guess the
Final Twist
Blow the whistle on the whole design
As they find my name on that fatal mailing list
I hear the clatter of a typewriter
Another rookie eating up the reams
I think it's time to place my feet under the desk

1, 2, 3 Excerpts from the Elvis Costello song: "King of Thieves" from the album Punch the Clock.


Unknown said...

Oh those days are coming if they aren't here already. Supposedly they are working on a digital medical file where if you're traveling or whatever you hand them this card, like a credit card, and it instantly reads your entire medical history. They already track purchases in the grocery store. In some spots in Germany (not here though) you can pay for your food with your cell phone. You scan in the bar codes with your phone and as you pass by the auto register it automatically deducts the cost from your account. Freaky. (Saw it on the BBC)
Have you ever seen the movie Enemy of the State? Seriously, that stuffs real.

Barbaloot said...

Yikes! That's the kind of technology I can live without. Next thing you know, it will say things like "Thank you for calling _____. You're the third person to call today."

Tony@ That One Paticular Harbor said...

I do not want someone especially the gov. knowing where I am and what I am doing. Is that not and invasion of my privacy? Enemy of The State was way to real. Maybe moving to the sandy island and using the coconut phone is still my best bet.

Erin said...

11G - wow, I'm forever out of the loop.

I love your dimension machine. (And if I knew how to strikethrough dementia in the comments, I would have added that word too.)

Anonymous said...

Great piece. Something a little 1984 about it.

Wendyburd1 said...

I loved it, very Twilight Zone-ish! LOL!

Unknown said...

Something to think about for sure...

Texasholly said...

I am a little freaked out. May need to take someone with me to pick up the mail tomorrow.

Loved it.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I don't even want to know what my cell phone is capable of. I love the song tie in! You're linked!

Mama Badger said...

So, Big Brother really is watching us, huh? As my husband would say, "New things scare and anger me." (hee hee)

I have always wondered who thinks all the prompts are helpful and not annoying, though.

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